My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
