my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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