I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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