True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs