If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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