we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.