just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.