I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst