I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I need a beard to bite.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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