he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
