regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
