So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We need to get me chipped asap
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
