i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
