Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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