So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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