Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
