I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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