How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
