One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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