you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
