before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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