She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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