I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
