so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
