I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
