I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
