My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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