I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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