i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
