I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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