He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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