I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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