God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
