Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
