someone owes me an orgasm
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
