You just made me feel so damn special
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
