i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
