He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
