I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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