seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize