I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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