And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Houston, we have a blender
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
