I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
