Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
