I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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