The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
