false alarm. still invincible.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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