So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize