Just took my morning after pill in the library
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
