All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize