I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
True strength comes from lack of pants
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