My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You took a bar mat shot.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
