does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you would pick up someone in the library
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
