The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
