I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
