I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
