Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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