How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
